What is low sex drive?

Sexual desire is different for everyone and fluctuates naturally over the course of your life. A level of desire that’s natural for one person isn’t necessarily the same for another. There are also normal dips during times of stress or triumph and a decline as you age — just a couple of the many reasons your partner might not feel up for it as much.

Low sex drive or low libido are the terms used to describe a lack of interest in sex. Some people aren’t concerned about having low sex drive.

However, if your partner’s libido has noticeably changed, they’ve lost interest in sex for no apparent reason, it’s causing issues in your relationship, or you’re concerned about their health, it’s worth having a conversation with them. If your partner’s sex drive has been consistent, but what you consider low, there might be a mismatch in your libidos, which might require extra consideration and communication.

It’s a misconception that men always have a high sex drive. Between 1-in-4 to 1-in-7 men under the age of 60 experience a decrease in their desire for, or interest in, sex at some stage in their life. After 60 years of age, many men experience a decrease in their sex drive.

Male hypoactive sexual desire disorder is diagnosed when there’s a persistent lack of sex drive, sexual or erotic thoughts or fantasies or desire for sexual activity that either causes you some level of distress or is impacting your sexual and romantic relationship.

Learn more about low sex drive on our health topic page.

What causes low sex drive?

Sexual desire is influenced by a variety of physical, psychological, and personal factors, ranging from extra work stress to underlying health conditions.

Some of the reasons why your partner might have a low sex drive include:

• Lifestyle factors such as high stress, poor sleep, too little or too much exercise

• Medical conditions including hypothyroidism and low levels of testosterone

• Certain medications including those to treat depression, seizures and hypertension

• Mental illness such as depression

• Relationship issues

• Negative sexual experiences including low self-esteem and anxiety around sexual performance

• Experiencing trauma such as sexual assault, PTSD and health-related trauma

• Recreational drugs and alcohol.

What your partner could be feeling

Everyone’s sex drive, and how they feel about it, is different. Some people might not be concerned about their low level of sexual desire, or they may worry they’re not 'normal' and feel great distress.

Having a low sex drive might be a sign of physical or mental health issues, so it’s important your partner talks to their doctor about what they’re experiencing and discuss their physical and mental health history. Talking to a doctor can help people understand the reasons for their low sex drive and find ways to deal with it.

What you could be feeling

Your partner’s low sex drive can impact your own sexual satisfaction.

Some partners of men with low sex drive feel confused or anxious and may question their relationship or their partner’s feelings for them. Although you might take it personally, no individual is to blame for low libido. Be honest with your partner about how you’re feeling and what you can do together to manage it.

There are a few ways to make the conversation more comfortable and constructive.

• Choose the right time to chat when you’re both relaxed and receptive; avoiding moments when you’re stressed, tired or vulnerable

• Use 'I statements' rather than 'you statements' to communicate how you feel without coming across as accusatory or shaming towards your sexual partner.

It can also be helpful to see a relationship counsellor who can facilitate these conversations and help you work through issues together.

What to do about low sex drive

If your partner’s doctor thinks their libido is being affected by other health conditions, treating those will be the first step. Counselling, either on their own or with you, might be suggested if psychological or relationship factors might be the cause of a low sex drive.

There are no medications that specifically treat low libido. Testosterone treatment can be effective for treating low libido in men whose testosterone levels are low, but there is no evidence that testosterone treatment can increase libido in men whose testosterone levels are normal.

Learn more about low sex drive on our health topic page.

What is LUTS?

Lower Urinary Tract Symptoms (LUTS) — also known as urinary problems — covers a broad range of symptoms. These symptoms can be group into issues with storing urine or issues passing (voiding) urine.

Voiding symptoms include a weak stream, trouble starting or maintain urine flow (hesitancy), and incomplete emptying or straining. Storage symptoms include the need to urinate frequently or urgently, and nocturia (frequent night-time urination).Men may present with a combination of the two symptom groups and the type and severity of symptoms can have differing impacts on day-to-day life.

LUTS will be experienced by most people. Around one in 14 men in their 40s and nearly one in three men over the age of 70, report moderate to severe LUTS. Although urinary problems are common in men, particularly as they get older, it can be a tough topic to discuss. Your loved one might be going to great lengths to hide or deny the issue, but those closest to them are important allies in managing the obstacles these symptoms present.

Learn more about urinary problems on our health topic page.

What are LUTS?

If you have a loved one with LUTS, you might notice them:

• Wake from sleep to pass urine a night more than normal

• Need to visit the toilet urgently or frequently

• Experience dribbling after urination has finished (so there might be more laundry or they might frequently change their clothes)

• Have ‘accidents’

• Be reluctant to leave the house or go to places where they can’t be sure they can get to a toilet quickly

Symptoms your loved one might notice and discuss with you:

• Longer than usual wait for the stream of urine to begin

• Weak stream

• Straining to urinate

• A stream that stops and starts

• Feeling like their bladder isn’t empty when they finish urinating

What causes LUTS?

LUTS aren’t a normal part of ageing. Your loved one needs to see a doctor if they’re experiencing changes to urination, particularly if the symptoms are affecting their quality of life or interfering with normal daily activities.

LUTS are always a sign of an underlying condition, which could threaten your partner’s health but can often be resolved. Causes of LUTS include urinary tract infections, inflammation of the prostate gland (prostatitis), benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH), underlying medical conditions, or as a result of prostate surgery. Treatment depends on the symptoms, but there are options available to cure or manage LUTS.

Reducing caffeine and alcohol intake (these substances can irritate the bladder), avoiding large amounts of fluid before bed, preventing constipation (straining to pass stools can affect pelvic floor muscles, which are important for both bowel and bladder control), and losing weight might help to improve symptoms.

What someone with LUTS could be feeling

The type and severity of lower urinary tract symptoms can have differing impacts on day-to-day life.

Overall LUTS is linked to increased anxiety and depression, and people with LUTS report a significant impact on quality of life, affecting physical, social and sexual function. Symptoms associated with storage of urine, such as urinary incontinence, have an even greater impact on quality of life and affect one’s sense of privacy, self-esteem and dignity.

Your loved one might be feeling isolated, hopeless, embarrassed and a loss of control and confidence. They might be anxious to leave the house not knowing where the nearest bathroom is, concerned about possible underlying conditions like cancer, worried about increasing health costs or reluctant to be a burden on others. These feelings might cause them to withdraw from social and romantic relationships, and you might notice these mood changes before they’ve discussed any physical symptoms with you. You may find these behaviours difficult to understand and accept, making it harder for you to help the person achieve the best outcomes for you both.

What you might be feeling

If your partner has LUTS, it can also affect your quality of life too. You might feel increased fatigue due to sleep disturbances, additional stress over the management of their condition, and limitations on their activities can see your social life change or influence how you share household duties. You might also feel the effect of LUTS on your relationship, reducing physical intimacy and communication, increasing conflict and feelings of distance and withdrawal, and impacting your sex life. It’s important to acknowledge the feelings you have about your partner’s symptoms and take care of your wellbeing too. Chat to your GP or a counsellor who will offer support and strategies for navigating the situation.

Concerns about LUTS can also affect other family members such as children, grandchildren and siblings, for example. Supporting a family member with LUTS can feel embarrassing or invasive. Depending on the type and severity of the symptoms and the extent of your involvement as a caregiver, it can impact your quality of life to varying degrees.

What you can do about LUTS

Start a conversation. One in three men bothered by LUTS do not see a GP and younger men are less likely to seek professional help. Men are also more likely to discuss the problem with a personal contact like a spouse or partner than a health professional. As they get older, they’re more likely to seek support from their children².

There are some ways to broach the subject effectively.

1. Choose the right time and place

Find an environment without interruption and pick a time that your loved one won’t feel particularly vulnerable or uncomfortable. Don’t try to broach the subject after an accident, during an intimate moment or before bed. A more comfortable time could be during a walk or a drive, where you’re shoulder-to-shoulder rather than face-to-face.

2. Show you’re understanding

Learning more about the condition, and how they might feel about it, can help you offer effective support. Being met with impatience or indifference can make a person with LUTS feel more isolated. Try to be empathetic, positive, and honest about how you’re feeling as well.

3. Encourage them to seek help

LUTS isn’t always something you have to live with and determining the underlying cause will help with treatment. Encourage your loved one to book an appointment with a GP to discuss their symptoms and the impact they’re having.

Learn more about urinary problems on our health topic page.